I did it, I finally resigned. I’m done with Disney. And to be honest, it feels great. Which is such an odd thing for me to be saying considering I’m an neurodivergent individual that has special interests in both technology and theme parks. And it’s true, on paper, this was my dream job. However, I’ve come to learn there’s only so much we can control in life. And unfortunately, some situations are simply unfixable. And this was one of them.
As I’ve covered in previous entries, I’m neurodivergent and that comes with its own share of challenges. However, it also comes with some strengths as well. That’s been one of the things I’m really learning, I’m learning more about how my brain actually works. This is allowing me to essentially “hack” my brain and become more productive. What works for most people typically doesn’t work for me. And vice versa, I have some unorthodox methods, but they work for me. The issue is Disney is a large company with a lot of redtape. Things are rigid. And quite frankly, they don’t like diversity. They want everything uniform. Well, that’s hard for an individual like myself who has unique needs. When you don’t conform, that’s seen as a sign of hostility. When really, I’m just trying to work the way that makes sense for my brain.
Now, for the hard part, we have to talk about how Disney has done a good job of marketing itself as a caring, inclusive business when in reality that’s all performative. That’s not to say Disney hasn’t done good things in the past, they absolutely have. But since adding the fifth key for Inclusion, it’s been hard to find any evidence of follow through from the company. At every turn I was met with nothing but friction and hostility when simply advocating for my unique needs. And that’s not something unique to just me. I’ve read plenty of horror stories now of other Cast Members facing a similar situation (and in many cases, far worse than what I went through). For example, there was a Cast Member that was allergic to dogs. This Cast Member asked for the simple accommodation of not having to be near dogs, something which could cause them great harm. Disney refused, claimed it was an undue burden, and wouldn’t give any accommodations. That Cast Member, feeling helpless, left the company. This happens every day.
The phrases you hear at Disney are “We’re like a family” and “This is great for visibility”. I think these two phrases highlight everything that was wrong with the relationship. Being neurodivergent, I tend to take things a bit literally. I prefer direct communication. When someone comes to me and says we’re like a family and asks me to personally sacrifice to help out the cause, I take that at face value. But I had to find out the hard way, that’s a one-way street. Disney will ask you to sacrifice over and over again, but the first time you ask for the smallest thing, it quickly turns into “nothing we can do”. The other issue is leaders don’t know how to judge work for success. This is where the “visibility” comes into play. Perception tends to be taken as reality, regardless of the truth. Which tended to get shrugged off as “that’s just how we do business” but it doesn’t have to be. KPIs are supposed to measure real outcomes, not imagined ones. But that requires leaders that can tell the difference between cooked numbers and real ones. When the leaders can’t, your job turns into less of how can I solve the business problem and more into how can I convince this person I have solved the problem. The latter is how Disney has developed a reputation for being political. The incentives are all aligned to encourage leaders to paint a better picture than reality. Which is why issues never get resolved.
There came a point where I realized I was never going to heal while being on the hamster wheel. And with Disney there is no way to take yourself off the hamster wheel without ripping off the bandaid and leaving. We lived from fire to fire. There were never any quiet periods because we were severely understaffed. There came a point when I was the lead dev and I physically couldn’t do it anymore. I asked to go back down to a Senior, which was granted. But they never backfilled me and none of the deadlines changed. That type of environment is naturally one that leads to burnout. And this team has had a lot of burnout and turnover.
This brings me to my next point, a systemic failure is not a personal failure. This is 100% a systemic failure. I’m not the only one on that team that suffered from regular panic attacks. We’ve had multiple members of the team leave being burned out to go to a different team and do way better. So this cycle is a systemic one. And for a long time, I felt this was a personal failure on my part. It isn’t. I didn’t fail, I actually did quite well. Most others on this project have lasted less than 2 years before crashing and burning. I made it pretty much 5 years. That’s not a failure on my part. I pushed and pushed until I literally couldn’t anymore.
Lastly, I want to talk about how I knew it was really time. When you have multiple doctors and healthcare professionals tell you that your job is toxic, trust them. I’ve been getting treatment and trying to push myself through these problems. And while I’ve made great progress, it took a couple of doctors looking at me and going the problem isn’t you, it’s the situation. Literally doing great in so many aspects of my life. But work was only negative and reinforcing my negative thoughts. I’ve worked too damn hard to let a toxic job slow down or jeopardize my progress. That was it. When my doctor was telling me that I need to quit for my own health, I knew it was time.
This is yet another raw and unfiltered entry. That being said, I feel so good right now. It feels like a huge weight has finally been lifted off of my shoulders. My immediate plan is to continue working on some side projects. I look forward to this blog getting back to what it really ought to be about, cool software.
God is good. My wife is amazing. And I no longer have to stress about Disney.