I’m about to be vulnerable for a moment. Updates have been slow. I’ve mostly gone dark. Here’s why:
I’m currently on an extended mental health sabbatical. I’ve suffered from anxiety, depression, among other things for most of my life. I was always an anxious kid growing up. For as long as I can remember, I’ve suffered from social anxiety and general anxiety. It’s just a reality of my life.
Depression is another thing I’ve long struggled with. And the truth is, I’ve never really understood why. I’ve been very open about my anxiety struggles, something people usually know about me. The depression, not so much. There’s a bit of a social stigma to it. It makes people feel uncomfortable. You learn to not bring it up.
So what’s the point? I have neglected to take care of myself for a long time and haven’t addressed the issues. I’ve suppressed, tried to continue on, and just keep going. If you’re reading this, please don’t do that. It may work for a bit, but it’s going to catch up with you.
So what’s next for me? I’m recovering. That’s really all I know at this point. I’m taking care of myself first. I’m going to doctor’s appointments that I’ve neglected. I’m going to therapy. I’m also starting the process of a formal evaluation for Autism. It’s something I’ve long supsected I suffer from, there’s a family history there. And this is I think is key to solving the depression side.
I’ve always worked different than others. My mind just seems to work differently. But it’s also why I think I’m such a good engineer. I think outside of the box. But it also means I have different needs.
I’m not writing this for sympathy or pity. Quite the opposite. This is largely my fault, I ignored the warning signs and kept pushing. So please learn from my mistakes. Don’t do that. Listen to your body. Rest. Go to the doctor.
For the first time in a long time, I actually feel a great amount of optimism for the future. I’m learning more about myself. How my mind thinks. And how to better meet my unique needs. These are all good things. My only regret was not doing this years ago.
Not a new me, but like a v2. I’m working on the patches. We’re in alpha right now. Hopefully a full release soon.
Sorry for the rambling, this is a raw post. Directly from the heart. I’ll be back to regular programming soon.